TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be huge. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed within the Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the finest. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and entirely away from place. Built by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But yes, absolutely sure, let us have another spot where by American Gentlemen can dress in robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace try since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations unsuccessful under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: supply Every person a set about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly soft power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest noted, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he must end working with it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the job, replied, "You already know, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people today. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping sorts a large Trump head visible from Area, a aspect staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after getting the constructing's gold plating reflected a Trump Tower Damascus great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not just ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Bewildering Attributes


Probably the strangest aspect in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium wherever attendees may perhaps contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with local weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing System: "If You Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The advertisement marketing campaign, just lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is For good."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "the place's the closest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is by now attracting consideration from Intercontinental buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree will also consist of:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge where my PTSD may have switch-down support."


A further put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to develop a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Remaining Feelings through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It needed a waterslide shaped like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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